What Hurts the Most
by dakinevamp
Summary: Bella's first month after Edward leaves in New Moon.


Summary- Bella's first month after Edward leaves in New Moon.  
(Song: What Hurts the Most - Rascal Flatts)

_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house,  
__That don't bother me_

As I lay on my bed staring at nothing and yet everything at the same time, I heard the beginnings of rain. _drop, drop, drop._ I blinked in unison with the first few until it started to come down harder and I could no longer distinguish the difference in drops. Finally, it drowned out all other sounds of cars and birds and neighbors

It always rains in Forks.

_I can take a few tears now and then  
__And just let them out  
__I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while_

I was once again laying on my bed. I had chores to do but couldn't get up enough energy to move. I felt something hot and wet roll down my cheek. I didn't wipe it away. Why bother? I couldn't stop it and there would be more.

There always is.

_Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
__There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
__But that's not what gets me_

I sat at the table eating my food without tasting it. My senses seemed to have took a temporary vacation recently. I could feel Charlie's worried glances at me every few minutes. Our silence over meals was never uncomfortable, until now.

I took another bite.

_What hurts the most was being so close  
__And having so much to say  
__And watching you walk away_

I closed my eyes as it all came back to me. What could I have done? What could I have said? I could have said so many things, but would any of it have worked? Would it have helped or made it worse? I could still hear his voice ringing in my head. "You don't want me?" "No."

I remembered it all too clearly.

_And never knowing what could've been  
__And not seeing that loving you  
__Is what I was trying to do_

As the scene stuck on repeat in my head I racked my brain for things that would've made him change his mind. What would've happened if he had stayed though? He said he didn't love me anymore, but could he learn to love me again? I personally know that I _still needed him_.

I would rather be miserable with him than without him.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
__But I'm doing it_

I walked into my room one afternoon to find Renee packing a suitcase full of my clothes. "Mom? What are you doing here? Or should I say what are you DOING?" she looked at me, her eyes full of pity "I'm taking you home sweetie. Back to Florida." I blinked. "Charlie?!?!" I walked out into the hallway to see him slowly walking up the staircase. "What's going on? Why is mom packing my clothes? I don't understand." Charlie looked at me with the same expression of pity. "Bells, you shouldn't stay here. It's not good for you, it has too many memories. You have to let go." I felt the heat rising up in my face and the edges of my vision darkened. Balling up my hands into fists I took a deep breath. "Charlie. I'm not going. I want to stay here." "Bella, you need to go. You can't keep holding onto Ed-" I cut him off with a yell "I SAID I'M STAYING!" I ran into my room and snatched the clothes from Renee's hands, flying them into a corner. "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME LEAVE!" I ripped clothes from the suitcase flying them everywhere "I WON'T GO!!!" I fell to the floor sobbing, a shirt still in my hand. Charlie and Renee turned and walked silently out of the room, closing my door on the way out.

I can never let go. I might forget.

_It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends  
__And I'm alone_

I sit at our lunch table. I noticed that Jessica and Mike have scooted a little further away from me today. I don't care. Mike tries to bring me into the conversation every once in awhile. I ignore him. The others don't even try anymore. I see Angela's concerned look out of my peripheral vision. I don't meet her eyes. I gather my uneaten food, go to throw it away and walk to my next class 5 minutes early.

I'm not hungry today.

_Still harder getting up, getting dressed  
__Living with this regret_

Sitting on the floor, weeping bitterly, I felt it for the first time. _The Pain._ It attacked me with a force I didn't know existed. It hit me in the chest so hard I fell to the floor gasping. A...hole...a hole...it felt like a hole had been ripped into my chest. I squeezed my eyes shut gasping for breath and sobbing. My hands flew to my upper half. Gripping my chest in a iron grasp. I tried to will away the pain. Holding myself from falling to pieces. _Am I having a heart attack?_ No, I realized with a moan.

This is what a broken heart feels like.

_But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade, give away for the words  
That I said in my heart that I left unspoken_

I stood in the shower washing my hair. I closed my eyes to put my head under the spray and flickers of the past year flew before my eyes. Edward playing with a lock of my hair, me smelling his shoulder while he held me, him taking a bite of pizza on a dare, us in a restaurant, a movie playing in dark biology classroom, _the Meadow_, our first kiss, the headlights of a Volvo in a dark alley, us dancing at the prom. A promise, "You are my life now."

Beautiful.

_What hurts the most was being so close  
__And having so much to say  
__And watching you walk away  
__And never knowing what could've been  
__And not seeing that loving you  
__Is what I was trying to do_

I gasped and opened my eyes. They immediately started overflowing with tears as I sank to the shower floor. I put my hands around my chest trying to block the pain from the hole. I choked out a sob as it hit me. Drawing my knees up to my chest I let my head fall onto them as the waves of agony washed over me.

Will the pain ever stop?

_What hurts the most was being so close  
__And having so much to say  
__And watching you walk away  
__And never knowing what could've been  
__And not seeing that loving you  
__Is what I was trying to do_

I sat in my car trying to get the tremble out of my lower lip. Maybe some music will help. I turn on the radio trying to forget who got it for me. A soft melody floats out of it. It's a song I don't recognize. OK, peaceful, calm, easy. I could do this. Then it hear it. The song breaks into a soft piano solo and I clamp my hands to my ears, trying to shut it out. But it won't go away. The solo twists itself into the chords and rise and fall of the bridges of My Lullaby. I grit my teeth but a low keening escapes my lips. I couldn't get it out of my head. I slam the radio off but it's not enough. I scratch at it with my fingers trying to rip it out. It doesnt work. I look around frantically, a wild look in my eyes. I spot a screwdriver on the passenger side of my truck. Used earlier for a minor repair on my ancient truck. It will do. I grab at it and attack the radio with a ferociousness I didn't know I possessed. It scared me a little. No, it scared me A LOT. I felt my mind slowly unhinging as I ripped the radio brutally from my truck, pain screaming up my arms as it tore into my fingernails with the sharp metal and plastic. I grabbed the evidence of my meltdown and ran inside up to my room. I shoved it into a garbage bag I had grabbed downstairs and hid it in my closet. I could feel it still haunting me with echos of piano music so I shoved all the clothes on my closet floor onto it, hiding it. Or was I hiding from IT? Finally, the music stopped. I stood there taking huge gulps of air. Onco again the pain slammed into like a concrete. I could never avoid it for longer than a few hours. I stood there letting it torture me for what seemed like forever. But Charlie was coming home soon. I couldn't let him see me like this. He would call Renee again. So letting one more wave of pain crash over me, I grab my chest, hold myself tightly, pick up the pieces and turn to go down stairs and make Charlie's dinner.

His name will not be spoken again.

**_A/N: Thank you Rascal Flatts for finally helping me to understand Bella's pain. RxR PLEASE!_**


End file.
